Here i say to you

well i'm not being mad of this situation.. All i know, we have our own path, we cant be together side by side as usual.. Maybe this time, u going first and i will follow you behind.. I'm not mad or angry or anything.. I know that someday, this day we have to realize that we cant go back to the time that we usually did things together, you and me.. Maybe i'm the one who cant totally accept this situation.. Maybe tomorrow, maybe next day i cant be the one u used to know.. I'm just trying to adapt.. I asked about you yesterday, i wanted to know, how are you, what have u been, without me, without us.. All of the time, i keep asking my mind, do you miss me? do you miss the time when we played together and did (almost) all the things together? and still i dont know the answer.. i still remember people asked me about you, like u and i are one person.. yeah i still and will remember it forever..

          almost all the time, we thought that we have a lot of similarity.. we have the some thought, but do you know that in fact, we totally different? maybe i'm just too selfish to think that u are luckier than me.. most of the time, i envying you, do you know it? but at some point i just feel that i'm luckier cause i have you..

          after all the things we did together, i realized, you've taught me a lot of things.. u are my best teacher, u are my best.. sometimes i just feel u teach me how to walk and now is the time for me to practice it myself, i have to walk on my own, without you.. everytime i fall i know u'll catch me and help me to stand, but at this time i know that if i fall, i have to help myself and try to stand by myself..

          this is hard.. moving on is always the hardest part.. sometimes i dont know how to move on.. what should i do? life is hard, even harder when i think it over and over.. i just want to keep positive and stay in line.. actually i have a lot of things that i want to share to you.. but everytime i want to tell you, the other side of me always scared, i'm scared.

          i dont know.. i know u wud be mad if someday u know it and i know u'll get very mad cause i'm not telling you.. i cant change to be the one u want me to be.. i'm not good at telling story about myself and you know it very well, but u always said that telling u story will keep us close.. i'm scared. i'm really really terrified cause i know, i cant do it.. all i can is just write it down and not speak about it, and the worse part is you dont like to read.. i know u are that lazy and u wont read my writing, and u know i'm better at reading and searching not speaking..

          once u told me to keep u an update about me, but how? by texting you? i dont know but it just feel so weird for me.. sometimes or most of the times, i hope u are so curious about me and will search everything about me, so u will know me better like i always did..

          please dont ask me, "am i doing good?" or "you're gonna be okay" or "everything will be okay". Cause when u say it, it just make it worse. I'll pretend to be okay and everything's fine..

          i'm sad. and i really want this will end soon. Maybe u'll ask what's wroong with me or you will get mad. Please dont say that i'm not trying. I'm trying, at my best, but i just cant. I dont know where life would bring me to, and i dont know what will happen next, and i totally dont know what will we be tomorrow or the day after.. Maybe i'm just try a different path, maybe i'm just lost for a while.. And i just wanna ask you, when i come back, will you away from me? or will you stay there and wait for me and recognize me? I hope u will stay, i hope so..

and the most important thing that u have to know is i love you, i love all my beloved one more than i love myself, and you are my beloved one..